Friday, March 11, 2011

My Judas

Song of the day!! :-) Will post more in a little bit... Gotta do some 4th step work!

"picked all my weeds but kept the flowers........"

It's kinda funny, this song used to be my song for Joey* (my best friend I thought I was going to marry). Alcohol was a BIG reason of why we split up, and after we split up I was drunk for at least a week straight. I went to class drunk (and stumbled out halfway through), drove my car drunk, walked home b/c i was too drunk, woke up with at least a suitcase worth of Bud Light bottles by the bed... I was living with Wingman at the time and sharing a bed with her and for some reason the instant numbing power of liquor didn't come into mind, only beer. My wingman is my sister (not blood) and I tried so hard to be strong for her because I know she loves me and believed in me and I think that's the only reason I didn't turn to liquor, or drive myself off a bridge. Lord knows I entertained the thought but I knew better. I cried and cried and cried and cut and cried and drank and drank and draaaaaaaaaaaaank............... (The doctor I went to put me on 5 different medications but they all made me crazy. Zoloft made me sleep constantly, Lexapro made me shake, I don't even remember the other ones... One made me black out and try to convince my mom that I was Captain Jack Sparrow!) We broke up because we both had serious addiction problems. His was more of a powdered variety though... Mine was alcohol and love. I was desperate to be the girl who finds true happiness for the first time by marrying her best friend. I had just moved away from an extremely abusive relationship, all i wanted was to be LOVED. And at first he did love me. He loved me fiercly and truely and completely; and I loved him. BUT real life took over, alcohol brought out the ugly side of me and coke brought out the unkind side of him. In the end, I broke up with him on my 24th birthday, already half drunk, and drank an entire bottle of Captian Morgan's by myself that night. I wanted to close my eyes and make it ALL go away. I hated myself - how could I ruin a love like that??? Now I can look back and see that it wasn't all my fault. I let alcohol and partying take over my life, plus he was better as my best friend. I knew him so well, I should have known that was the way it would end. We're both free spirits, and neither of us were truly ready for something like that.

It's taken us 3 years to get our friendship back to the way it was before we dated. At first it was horrible but now it's good. Three long ass years. Thankfully we've been best friends since I was 18, almost 10 years now (HOLY CRAP!). He's gotten off the dope and I've quit drinking.

Hooray for healthy friendships <3

*names have been changed :)

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