Friday, March 11, 2011

My Judas

Song of the day!! :-) Will post more in a little bit... Gotta do some 4th step work!

"picked all my weeds but kept the flowers........"

It's kinda funny, this song used to be my song for Joey* (my best friend I thought I was going to marry). Alcohol was a BIG reason of why we split up, and after we split up I was drunk for at least a week straight. I went to class drunk (and stumbled out halfway through), drove my car drunk, walked home b/c i was too drunk, woke up with at least a suitcase worth of Bud Light bottles by the bed... I was living with Wingman at the time and sharing a bed with her and for some reason the instant numbing power of liquor didn't come into mind, only beer. My wingman is my sister (not blood) and I tried so hard to be strong for her because I know she loves me and believed in me and I think that's the only reason I didn't turn to liquor, or drive myself off a bridge. Lord knows I entertained the thought but I knew better. I cried and cried and cried and cut and cried and drank and drank and draaaaaaaaaaaaank............... (The doctor I went to put me on 5 different medications but they all made me crazy. Zoloft made me sleep constantly, Lexapro made me shake, I don't even remember the other ones... One made me black out and try to convince my mom that I was Captain Jack Sparrow!) We broke up because we both had serious addiction problems. His was more of a powdered variety though... Mine was alcohol and love. I was desperate to be the girl who finds true happiness for the first time by marrying her best friend. I had just moved away from an extremely abusive relationship, all i wanted was to be LOVED. And at first he did love me. He loved me fiercly and truely and completely; and I loved him. BUT real life took over, alcohol brought out the ugly side of me and coke brought out the unkind side of him. In the end, I broke up with him on my 24th birthday, already half drunk, and drank an entire bottle of Captian Morgan's by myself that night. I wanted to close my eyes and make it ALL go away. I hated myself - how could I ruin a love like that??? Now I can look back and see that it wasn't all my fault. I let alcohol and partying take over my life, plus he was better as my best friend. I knew him so well, I should have known that was the way it would end. We're both free spirits, and neither of us were truly ready for something like that.

It's taken us 3 years to get our friendship back to the way it was before we dated. At first it was horrible but now it's good. Three long ass years. Thankfully we've been best friends since I was 18, almost 10 years now (HOLY CRAP!). He's gotten off the dope and I've quit drinking.

Hooray for healthy friendships <3

*names have been changed :)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

This Little Light of Mine....

I'm gonna let it shine!

So as I approach my 7th month sober, I feel I can finally open up and put into words the storm of feelings that have been inside me since August 15, 2010 (my sobriety date). I'm currently on Step 4 of the 12 steps and believe 100% that Alcoholics Anonymous has saved. my. life! That and Klove (a christian radio station), and of course, my boyfriend and family! And I gotta send a HUUUUUUUGE shout out to my dog Percy (@PercyPuppyPI), and the blog that started it all and continues to inspire me daily: <------ Those women are amazing!

So now that that's out of the way, let's get down to the nitty gritty....

Since I can remember tasting alcohol for the very first time back after my step-father committed suicide, I LOVED it. Not just liked it, or preteded to like it, I LOVED IT. The yummy chocolatety taste of the Bailey's Irish Creme, the beer my mom shoved in my hand when I was 15 and we were at my deceased step-father's apartment going through his things, and the warm & fuzzy feeling I got from it. It was an escape from a world I was completly unprepared to deal with, one I had never felt I fit in. However, along with those first drinks, great kisses, and the even better make out sessions that came along with it, T R O U B L E always tagged along. From the very first time I got trashed till the last, it was always trouble - but alcohol alllllllways called to me - quitting was NEVER a thought in my mind! Not for 12 long years...

Thankfully I quit in what some people consider "early" alcoholism. At first I was ooooh so jealous of those who had "gotten" to drink for 25+ years, hell that meant I still had a good 15 years to go right??? It's taken me a while to accept the idea that I shouldn't be jealous of those people, I'm now grateful I stopped after 12 without killing myself (by accident) or anyone else during those 12 years of drinking and flirting with various "party favors".

I must run off to do some "work" now :-) spying on people has its perks! Time for some Red Bull!

See y'all later, don't let your light go out!

Inspirational Song of the Day: "Maybe" by Sick Puppies <------ Trust me on this!!!